My Thoughts In Letters

I have been standing on an uncertain middle ground and I'm afraid this is going to be another completely honest entry ... and most of you probably won't understand this, but I'm writing still, because the alternative right now would be a bit worse.

Things have been a challenge for me. Not because of any one person (I'd like to think so), or situation, but because of a number of things that have sent my head spinning. Even now, I am vaguely attempting to put everything back into place.

I feel like my world has been going out of control, and there is not much that I or anyone else can do to stop that. If I look at my life, I think the one thing that gets to me more than anything is being unwanted.

Situation after situation has left me feeling like that, which is probably why I've been completely over-emotional and sensitive to everything these last few weeks. So many things have left me feeling like I'm losing my hold on reality, that I am being pulled and pushed in every which way and that after it all, I am left standing completely alone, while everyone else makes special memories with their friends.

Now, I?m left thinking, who have I got?

All I really want is to feel wanted. Not to know it, because in a way, I already know. But to feel it, to really feel it deep within my being. But I realize that this is not really something that anyone else can help me with. It is a gradual healing process that has already started, back in 2006 when I was given a fresh start. And maybe for a while, it is time to go backwards in order to move forward. But with each step, I hope that I learn something new. And most of all, I hope that I won't be doing it alone.

When Love Begins, Made of Honor, Sex and the City and Mamma Mia. These are the last four movies I watched. And Joy was with me in watching all of them.

On Friday, we are going to go to Richard Poon's album launch. Then maybe go somewhere out of town next next weekend.

And then, on August 20th, we will be watching Earth, Wind and Fire.

I love it!

I just turned 26 today.

I cannot believe this is happening to me. I'm supposed to go out and celebrate not stare at the monitor feeling gloomy. But no luck there. The celebration seemed to have left without me.

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for another year. It's just that YOU greeted me and told me to be honest with myself. What made you say that? Today.. of all days.

Here's a little honesty from me, dad. After 26 years, I guess I am still not good enough to be your daughter. Where is the father who used to call me his little star?

I know I have made a few, bad decisions. I did not listen to you. But this is my life and I was expecting to be understood and entitled to making mistakes just like everyone else.

I am not perfect, dad.

I tried to reach your expectations but they are just too high. I have been working hard at it since I was a little girl when your praises were so much easier to get. I was happy when I saw you nod in approval; brokenhearted when you disapproved.

I wished to be more like my sister. In your eyes, she always did things right. But no matter how hard I try, I will never be like her and you have to accept that.

I am sorry if I failed you. You see, I am trying to live my life the best way I can. I just wish you'll tell me you're proud of what you see even if I am far from being the perfect daughter you wanted me to be.

I am not asking for too much. Just stay there while I am learning my lessons in life. I need you and have never stopped needing you even during the times when I chose to do things my own way.

Honesty, dad? You have been making it hard for me to love you but nothing you could say or do will make me hate you.

Even when you make me cry on my birthday.

What were you doing ten years ago?
Probably having lunch with my bestest friends Lily C. (now a theater/indie movie actress - http://www.groovenet.ph/filipino-celebrity/lily-chu/), Chrish H. (now an M.D.) and Ina L. (now happily married to a "Juan" making her Mrs. Ina J.) at a place somewhere in UP Diliman. Or somewhere along Katipunan Avenue, possibly Sweet Inspirations.

What are five things on your to-do list today?
1. Sleep. Take a shower. Eat. Work. (oh aside from the basics?)
2. Find something new to learn.
3. Play with Jedi!
4. Reading while drinking tea and listening to bossa.
5. Write another blog.

Snacks you enjoy?
1. Tacos.
2. Ice cream (twin pops man yan or chuckie)!!!
3. Captain Sid butong-pakwan!
4. Any Thirsty fruit shake (I'm loving their grape shake right now. YUM!)
5. Pizza!

Places you?ve lived in?
1. Bacolod City (14 years)
2. Diliman, Quezon City (college years)
3. 15th Avenue Cubao, Quezon City (college years - grounded by my dad)
4. BF Homes, Quezon City (4 years - after college)
5. Bel-air, Makati (2005-2006)
6. Bacolod City (present)

What are 5 things you would do if you were a billionaire?
1. Have a school for special children with really, really good teachers. Bacolod is lacking a facility like this.

2. Visit : all white sand beaches in the Philippines (Mabuhay!), Sicily (to meet the Last Don), Berlin (to share the air with Hitler's descendants), the whole of España ('cause I just love siestas), Tuscany (to see what it is about their sun), Italy (Fare una bella figura!), France (to kiss a French?), Colombia (to smell Colombian coffee fields in person), Greece (to attend a Greek wedding, not mine, idiot!) 

3. Donate to the homes for the aged and orphanages in Western Visayas.

4. Build a public library.

5. Buy houses in Baguio, Tagaytay, Boracay, Bohol, Cebu and Davao.

People you want to know more about?
1. My great-grandparents.
2. My "Stuart Little"
3. the Eskapo ex-bf (diin ka na man?)
4. The Royal Monarchs of England
5. MYSELF.

Don't worry about me, I'm fine. I still have not cried my heart out so maybe this is how it is supposed to be. I do not want to wonder why I have not. It's just that I could not and it is a waste of time trying to figure it out.

Lessons have been learned. Moving on requires growing up. And I owe it to myself to become a better person.

I am smiling.

I am keeping myself preoccupied --- reading books, playing the piano, learning old songs, watching movies with friends, staying at home with my family or driving to a quiet place to think. I have also been visiting the adoration chapel at my high school campus to pray and reflect.

This has taught me a lot of things about my resilience. Acceptance is slow to come but I try to continue living my life with more passion. My sweetest downfall has become my greatest motivator and has reminded me to make the most out of my life each and every single day.

Life is too short, indeed, for me to spend days of it thinking about what could have been. I cannot change things but I can change the way I deal with it. And I choose to, WITH GRACE.

Every now and then the pain prostrates itself before my eyes but I allow God to take care of it. God has been good and I know that in time, He will make me understand.

My ex-boyfriend posted this on his bulletin.

------

The title says it all.

I finally had time to pick up the book I bought two weeks ago --- a translated copy of  Love In The Time Of Cholera (El amor en los tiempos del colera) by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, which is also a 2007 motion picture directed by Mike Newell.

Anyway, I woke up at around 3am (Sunday) and turned the lights on, inspired by the thought that I was going to do something I missed doing. I scrambled for the softbound copy inside my bag -- yes I brought it with me everyday to work though I never had the chance to open it besides placing my monogram on the first page -- and laid back against the sheets.

My eyes began to tire on the 60th page. I closed my eyes and began to imagine what I would share. The author, God bless him, has the extraordinary talent of engaging you in the story that you can taste the salt in the air as you read it.

In the hour or two that I was reading, I was Fermina Daza, the female character, who naively fell in love with the romantic Florentino Ariza but ended up with the rational Juvenal Urbino. Sigh. I slept with a smile on my face.

I woke up again at around 7am and ate my breakfast hurriedly. I mixed a cup of chocolate, retrieved my book and began reading again.This time I got distracted by Jedi, the little terrorist, who kept running in and out of the house until I had no choice but to bathe him.

Moving on, at around 10am, I desperately tried to set the mood again for reading. And I did, up to the 93rd page, but my father turned the volume of the TV on as it was Pacquiao's fight with Diaz. I could care less because I got used to Pacman winning his bouts, but the screaming from the audience got me unfocused. When the 9th round decided who won and the shrieking was over, I tried to get back to reading. 

How the simplicity of the intricately woven words affected me was indescribable. It gave me that heavy feeling -- like that of being drunk, but not with wine. Drunk with sweet honey.

I felt like I was drowning so I picked myself up and searched for a morbid movie to watch to detach myself from familiar emotions. All I found worth watching and within my reach was Deja Vu (Denzel Washington), so I did, to keep my mind off the almost-magical novel.

Anyway, I promise to write about this exquisite narrative when I finish it. Maybe next weekend.

Hmmm... So, I did entitle this blog "The Best Weekend!". It seems like an ordinary one, if not b-o-r-i-n-g?

Yep, I did not go somewhere far -- no beaches or lakes, no parties or what-have-you's. But it was the best weekend for me because I have not been there for a long time.

With myself. With my family. At home.

___

Joy's comment as I was writing this blog: "Masakit pala sa lalamunan ang sigarilyo, no?"

Joy and I recently watched "Made of Honor" in SM. I have been meaning to write about it, but, well, more disturbing thoughts have been occupying my literary frenzy on this blog.

The film stars Patrick Dempsey as "Tom" - a womanizer with a fortune and a polygamous father who forgets the number of wives he has had. Kinda like a personified state of "the apple does not fall far from the tree".

Anyway, Tom, hopping from bed to bed with his set of rules in dating, never saw it coming. With "it", I mean falling hopelessly in love. And with who?

Flashback to Julia Roberts' 1997 hit. Gasp!

McDreamy, charming as he is, is far from being JULIA ROBERTS in this! It was an idiot-proof, gender-bended version of "My Bestfriend's Wedding". It is trite.

I am not saying that it was terrible, because there were a few moments in the movie that I really liked, but sad to say, it is just one of those cookie-cutter, feel-good romcoms.

I do not discount that it was amusing; its being told from a man's perspective. I liked the way they showed how Tom's boy friends supported him in bringing his "bride" back. And the horse. And the castle.

I personally got stung by the Scotland part, though, since it reminded me of Michael, my ex-fiance. And the wedding dress was almost like mine had it had wine red hem trimmings.

Anyway, there was really nothing fresh about it. Two thumbs up, though, for Dempsey and Monaghan and the cast for giving it their all even if it wasn't enough for the film to soar high given its almost-plagiarized plot.

I loved the ending until now. Tom had his dream come true. Juliet didn't.

The world is unfair, even in movies. 

---

Your word for the day: romcom (n) - short for romantic comedy

?For the vision is yet for an appointed time and it hastens to the end (fulfillment); it will not deceive or disappoint. Though it tarry, wait (earnestly) for it, because it will surely come; it will not be behindhand on its appointed day."

There are times when it appears that God is saying ?no? to us, but He's actually saying ?wait.? Ours is not a ?hit-or-miss? God. He created us with specific plans and purposes in mind, and His timing is always perfect.

Scripture says, ?But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!?

As long as our trust is in God and we are praying and seeking Him daily, we can be sure that He is busy working behind the scenes to bring our God-given dreams and visions to pass. The Lord instructs us to be patient and not to despair, because He knows that impatience and discouragement can cause us to miss out on His best for us.

Sometimes God makes us wait because certain circumstances are not yet right for us. Other times, we're the ones who are not yet ready, or someone else involved is not prepared. As long as we are praying and believing God to work all things out for our good (Rom. 8:28), we can trust that He is actively working in our circumstances, in our lives, and in the lives of others.

If you are waiting on God for some special blessing or breakthrough today, remember that delays are not necessarily denials. Keep your faith and hope in God, believing that at just the right time He will open doors or you. When He does, you will know without a doubt that it was worth the wait!

Lord, please teach me to always have an attitude that says,

?God, if it's not Your will for me, I don't want it!?

Help me to realize that even something that is Your will for me,

but that is out of Your perfect timing, is still disobedience.

Grant me the patience I need to wait upon You for Your absolute best.

Thank You that as I keep in step with Your plans for me,

my blessings won't be delayed a single day!

Joy and I love this new version of "Points of View", originally sung by Joey Albert and Pops Fernandez.

Title: Points Of View
Artist: Jaya duet with Regine Velasquez
Track No. 5
Song Length: 4:08
Lyricist: Louie Ocampo and Allan Ayque
Composer: Louie Ocampo and Allan Ayque
Arranger: Ferdie Marquez

The headset slaves did not take calls for around nine hours. It was a holiday on the floor. 

After the short commotion and a quick huddle with all of them, we moved to our different spots and converged into our own, little groups. My group went to our space against the wall and started talking about "everything under the flourescent light", in lieu of the sun.

Topics ranged from previous jobs, the past year's memories, unforgettable customers, horror stories, their love lives and as usual, our topic of choice, my non-existent one.

I was happy to know that my co-workers were comfortable sharing their personal lives and thoughts with me. I love seeing them smile and laugh.

I love them.

We come from different backgrounds but we share the same sense of humor. Those nine hours seemed to last forever, as we counted the minutes, but I guess everyone needed it.

I am glad that we had time to bond. It was our chance to see everyone in a different light. We are all human --- we care, we laugh, we love, we live.

I just arrived from my girl friend's pad.

I am not exactly sure about what went on, since I slept through half of the conversation we had with another friend. I am just glad to see that she is starting to find peace in her heart.

Keywords : Starting to

I know that the pain will continue to set in, especially when she goes back to her hometown. But knowing Min, she will live through it. And she will do it with the grace of the woman that she is.

But, is this where it all ends?

As I am writing this, I know that she is having a conversation with her "bf-ex-husband-ex"(?). I do not know if she will succumb to his pleading and his carefully chosen words. I just pray that she will be guided. She needs Divine intervention.

Back to my question. Is this where it all ends? With someone saying goodbye? Someone getting hurt? Someone deceiving a person he confessed his undying love to? Someone leaving and somebody being left behind?

Where did the happy endings go? Are they stuck with the 20th century? 

Someone tell me why the hell can't I find a decent love story to listen to lately? What's wrong with us?

Time to go to my oracles: my mom and dad.

There are moments in my busy life wherein I feel God?s arms around me, urging me to slow down and live my life in the most beautiful way I can?

Because in fact, how I live this life is the only gift I can ever give to Him.

A moment like that happened to me just now and I could not help but bow my head down and pray.

Let me share these humbling words that I learned more than a decade ago, with you.

Father, I'm a person filled with life. Don't let me feel guilty about living it fully.
It is my life. You've given it to me.
Help me in my struggle to live maturely day by day.

Give me the strength to work out my doubts and fears.
Give me the courage to admit that I don't have all the answers.

I have not arrived.
I'm still on the way, in the process.
Let me thrill to life as I discover myself more and more each day.

Help me become a giving person, a sharing person, a person so in love with myself
that I can love others too.

Remind me now and then, Father, that I'm not alone.
Let me never forget that Your Son too, said "yes" to life and death, to pain and joy.

Give me your Spirit to help me see Your Son in everything, in everyone.

Father, I have a lot to live, and You have a lot to give.
For this I thank You, on this special day, and all through my life.

Amen.

"You come on too strong."

I have been told that countless times. Most people would see it as something they should change about themselves, but I see it as something that sets me apart from a "Yes"-saying world.

I am someone who continues to go on when most of the people around say that the race is over. Yet though I can be stubborn, I know when to step down.

My being assertive has made my life easier and more difficult at the same time. It has been easy for me to identify who are on the same level, intellectually, as I am. I can certainly get away with telling the truth because people expect it from me.

The downside is -- I repel the people I'm emotionally interested in.

Yes, I'm an alpha female.. so still a breathing female, nonetheless, and I do acknowledge my need to be with someone. 

Yet I will not lose my spirit just to be liked by that someone.

So, if that person can't bear with me, he can stay away ..or sit ...or fetch.