My Thoughts In Letters

I have been standing on an uncertain middle ground and I'm afraid this is going to be another completely honest entry ... and most of you probably won't understand this, but I'm writing still, because the alternative right now would be a bit worse.

Things have been a challenge for me. Not because of any one person (I'd like to think so), or situation, but because of a number of things that have sent my head spinning. Even now, I am vaguely attempting to put everything back into place.

I feel like my world has been going out of control, and there is not much that I or anyone else can do to stop that. If I look at my life, I think the one thing that gets to me more than anything is being unwanted.

Situation after situation has left me feeling like that, which is probably why I've been completely over-emotional and sensitive to everything these last few weeks. So many things have left me feeling like I'm losing my hold on reality, that I am being pulled and pushed in every which way and that after it all, I am left standing completely alone, while everyone else makes special memories with their friends.

Now, I?m left thinking, who have I got?

All I really want is to feel wanted. Not to know it, because in a way, I already know. But to feel it, to really feel it deep within my being. But I realize that this is not really something that anyone else can help me with. It is a gradual healing process that has already started, back in 2006 when I was given a fresh start. And maybe for a while, it is time to go backwards in order to move forward. But with each step, I hope that I learn something new. And most of all, I hope that I won't be doing it alone.